Today is a huge milestone in my life.
Today I can reflect on what has brought me to this point in my life.
Today I am amazed.
Today I am thankful.
Today marks 10 years of being Mrs. Chris McKinney.
As a young girl of only 16 years, I stood before the preacher, my family, my friends, and most importantly, my God, and I said, "I do" to Mr. Chris McKinney. I can't say that I knew what I was doing or that I even really even knew what true love was. I was young and naive. To be completely honest, I was more "in love" with the idea of being in love, getting married, and having my own home than I was "in love" with my soon to be husband.
The first few months that followed our marriage were a true testament to my ignorance of what was expected of a godly wife. Of course my mother taught me the importance of starting my day with God, and how do chores and keep a tidy house, but being on my own, proved that I had much to learn about making those daily rituals a priority. I wish I could say I was a fast learner, but alas, I reveled in my new found freedom and regrettably, I didn't do the things I knew I should have done.
My cooking also left much to the imagination. Living in a small travel trailer with mom and dad didn't allow for me to obtain much cooking experience. I'm so thankful that Chris loved Hamburger Helper. We literally had Hambuger Helper four times a week. :O I'm also sure that's why he doesn't love it now.
Chris and I had the ups and downs that I'm sure every newlywed couple has. We made hasty decisions, we said words in anger that should never had been said. We fought over things that looking back at now, seem so frivolous. We did learn from those earlier mistakes and grew older, and dare I say, wiser...?
Moving forward a few years...
We had tried to have a baby for a couple years with no success. I made an appointment and found out I have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. Getting pregnant was going to be very difficult for us. Even with the help of fertility drugs. We were still young and seen plenty of time ahead for things to fall into place like we wanted it too.
Several more years passed by and we still hadn't had any luck in getting pregnant. It got harder on me each time I heard of a friend, or especially a younger relative getting pregnant. It wasn't a physical battle for me. It was a mental battle. I felt as though I was a huge failure at the one thing God had actually made me (as a woman) to do. I became depressed, hurt, and bitter at God.
Then came the venamous thoughts of, "Chris wishes he had married some else," and "Chris doesn't love me anymore." I became so enslaved to these degrading thoughts that I started to believe that our marriage was a mistake. I started pulling away from my husband although he assured me over and over that he loved me no matter what our present conditions. I was so blinded by satan, and my own emotions, that I wouldn't/couldn't hear him.
I fell into the deepest, darkest, and most scary place I have ever been. All while Chris tried to love and nurture me, I pulled farther into myself and darkness. I will never forget that night of despair when I wanted to end it all. Chris didn't tell me that it would be okay. He didn't tell me things would work out. He didn't try to smooth things over. He just pulled me into his arms with tears streaming down his face, and told me that nothing I did would make him stop loving me. It was that night and the days following that I realized the depths of true love.
In my lowest of lows Chris was there for me with nothing but love to offer. He was there to guide me back to the cross and the truth when I had failed to look to Jesus.
With God's help, much prayer, and a lot of work and patience, we are stronger and more in love than we've ever been. I cannot thank God enough for giving me Chris as my life partner. God knew exactly what I would need to make it through this life.
We may not have the answers to all our questions, but we are committed to God and each other for the rest of our days. And with God as the center of our marriage, we can make it.
"Together we stand, divided we fall."
If time stands and we are here for another 10 years, I have no doubt that Chris and I will still be standing together.
Love y'all!
Lacey
ReplyDeleteHi sis Lacey.
While reading your blog post it made me feel sad. It stirred up all the emotions and feelings that I had since long ago forgotten. Of course I now have 3 children and obviously my infertility is a thing of the past.
It wasn't always that way though. It's a real battle and if no one has ever went through that then it's hard for them to ever understand.
Maynard and I waited 7 long years for a baby. My dr told me as a teenager that I probably wouldn't ever be able to conceive. I told Maynard that before we got married and he understood and said we would worry about that later.
I went to several different drs and infertility is not covered in most insurance plans so it got expensive. I stopped treatment once because I told a dr that I couldn't afford treatment anymore. He sneered and replied, "baby diapers ain't cheap either." It really hurt my feelings. So I quit trying for a few more years.
Finally I decided to start treatment again.
This time I was put on Provera to jump start my cycles. I was also put on Metformin. Which is actually a diabetic medicine but somehow they explained that it helped pcos patients to ovulate. Then they prescribed a low dose infertility pill called Clomid.
I took my medicine and checked my temperature. Everytime my Dr checked it he would shake his head no. I was not ovulating. Then he would up my Clomid dosage and we would try again another month. The next month it was the same shake of the head. Up the Clomid, try again. Next month the same. Only this time he said this is the highest dosage I can give you and then we have to try something else which is more expensive.
This was my last month. I couldn't afford anything else. My budget was stretched at the max already.
We were in revival with Henry Sheperd. He preached God wants to fill your basket. He then asked us to come up front and he prayed with us. I asked God to fill my basket with a baby. Bro shepherd touched my head and said, "Whatever you just asked God he said to tell you HE will do it!!"
By the end of that very month I had my first postitive pregnancy test.
9 months later I had Josiah in my arms. A last minute drs visit saved his life. I had no idea anything was wrong. If I hadn't went to my dr that very day he would have been dead.
God is good. He didn't bring me that far to leave me.
Of course now I have 2 more children. It's odd to hope to get pregnant so many times and then pray that you won't 9 yrs later. Ha ha
I just wanted to encourage you and felt like I needed to share my story with you. Don't give up. Keep praying.
I would suggest finding a dr and trying to get treatment. Check prices before you go to see if it's affordable. Stick with the treatment even if seems like it takes forever.
God is faithful.
If I had a baby when I thought I was ready for it one, I don't really think I was. God had the perfect time and reason.
Love ya, Lacey and Happy 10 yrs!!!
Amy, I had no idea you had also faced infertility issues. You are right. If you've not faced it you can't really understand the depth of it. Thanks so much for your comment and the encouragement. I did try the fertility pills once. It got so expensive and made me so moody that we stopped. I'm not opposed to trying again. Chris is also open to foster and adoption. I love either and both! :) I have finally come to the place that I am okay with whatever God decides to do. I measured God's love for me by what he gave or didn't give me. God's love is so much deeper than that. It took me a l-o-n-g time to get to this place, but I am so thankful that I am at peace with it now. It is so encouraging to hear of someone who has been where you are and has come through better than ever. God is so faithful!
DeleteThanks!
Lacey
I enjoyed reading this so much, We faced different circumstances than your but it was still very trying and something I still can't get passed at times. But I can honestly say I am truly happy being married to Matthew and can't imagine life without him. I, too look forward to the future because I know he will be with me all the way as long as we keep God in the center of our marriage.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mandy!!! Life is hard at times, but God always gives us enough strength to make it through those times. :) Thanks for the comment.
ReplyDeleteI just found your post. I am sitting here in tears! How strong you are to open up your heart to all the world. Thanks for sharing your story. Love ya!
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